[D10, LA, expecting] Catching up the words

[Matsu Ishioka]

Ishioka nods, and the smile fades when her face is in his shoulder and she can't see it. He takes a heavy breath.

"If we are matched," he says, slowly and steadily, "it will take you away from everything you've had before. I... I think you want that," he says, lookingfor affirmation.

"But it won't... be perfect," he says, sad to say it even though he knows it's true. "There will still be... issues. But I will protect you as much as I can. That's what I want. The safe life together that we..." He doesn't want to say "deserve," a word that means almost nothing to samurai who care about duty, but if n Narumi looks she'll see the sentiment in his eyes.

[Usogawa Narumi]

His steadiness soothes her and she pulls back though still holding his arm. She looks up at him, taking in his handsome features, searching his face.
"Im not looking for perfection. Or rather, my idea of what perfection is ...is very mutable. As changing as the river, and just as unsteady." Narumi frowned, thoughtful. "I want a future with you, I just... I..." she couldn't seem to find exactly what she wanted to say and it was clear she was rather frustrated with herself for it.

[Matsu Ishioka]

The Lion nods in understanding of what she's said so far, a slight smile on his face to continue encouraging her.

"You can tell me anything, even if it... doesn't sound right?" The word choice is purposefully awkward from Ishioka, trying to maintain that closeness of similarity between them.

[Usogawa Narumi]

Her expression shifted darkly as she tried to gain a grasp of the cacophony inside her head long enough to free a single sentence.
"I don't think your future is with me." It pained her to say it aloud, as much as she was sure it wasn't what he wanted to hear. She was sure he'd hoped they were beyond this, but the truth was it was eating her up from the inside.

"I hadn't given a lot of thought to my future beyond what I was told I was going to do. Get married, have children? Those were things to be done later. I knew I'd eventually have to get married, who would trust an unwed nakodo?
But I haven't been in any type of relationship, not before you, not before here. Not that meant any more to me than the time we were in port for.
And I got here... and I should've known better." She's said this before but it hits differently. "I shouldve put it together then that there was no having you, not without her. There was no way I could help falling in love with you, looking back... and what I didn't fully think through, is how my feelings for you would parlay into feelings for her.

However I don't think it's sustainable. I've been going over this, and I think in the end, you'll fall deeper and deeper in love with her. How could you not? She's magnetic. And I... Ishioka, I can't even promise that I can give you children. I'm... not a Lion, I won't make your parents proud of you. She can do all those things. She's breath takingly beautiful on your arm. She fits you, and she brings out things in you that I don't even come close to touching.
I know you want to keep me safe and protect me. Let me protect myself, as well."
Narumi concluded, saying more in one shot than she'd ever said to Ishioka before - and was absolutely devastated in the process. One tear shed, then the next.

[Matsu Ishioka]

The words hurt as Ishi hears them, but he had known this was coming at some point. That last wall that was still standing, even if Narumi maybe didn't realize it.

The Lion takes a deep breath, keeping his face steady and shifting an arm around her for support as her tears come. He knows she doesn't want to fall apart, although he's suspicious that's probably what she needs. He gives her a few moments, safe with him, to control the tears or really let them go. After she's settled just slightly, he responds in a measured, heartfelt voice.

"I'm not going to let you protect yourself from what you really want. That voice telling you that you should walk away doesn't want you to be happy. Its the voice of all the shoulds and all the can't and all the ways we'll be miserable forever if we don't do what we know is right for us."

[Usogawa Narumi]

To her credit, she doesn't break down when given the chance. But it certainly isn't easy to keep standing.
"But what if you end up miserable with me?" she asks quietly, heart in her throat. "I may not be sure of what exactly I want, but I know without a doubt what I don't. I don't want to break your heart; and in turn, I don't want mine to be broken, either." Her shoulders slump, and she looks away, rubbing at her lower lip before wincing at the cut to it. "You don't need to worry about my happiness if it comes at the cost of your own." she sighed heavily.

[Matsu Ishioka]

"Narumi-san," he says with a little sigh, maybe a hint of exasperation reaching his words. "My heart is not quick to set on something, if it ever does. It set on my sister Hachiko after a time, and I still love her in spite of times I hated her and even after her death."

He takes a heavier sigh, knowing every part of this conversation is fraught with peril. "A few days ago, my heart set on you and Inoshishi-san. Maybe in response to different things about you, but in equal measure for both. And, maybe more importantly, with as much dedication as I have to my sister. I know that my love for Hachiko won't fade, and it won't for you either."

He finds her eyes and won't let them go as he quietly says, "Narumi-chan, I do not take oaths lightly. I have sworn none beyond those to my lord and clan. But, I swear to you, I will never love another woman more than I love you."

[Usogawa Narumi]

She had been prepared to continue arguing him, pushing him further away to spare them both. "I know you love your sister still, even after your loss. And I am so sorry to see you're still suffering." She knows how he feels intimately with the loss of her parents, and it only serves to underscore how much she and Ishioka align.
"... You say the things I yearn to hear," she murmurs as she had the other day here in the garden, huddled under an umbrella against the rain.

Narumi's brow furrows, deep in thought. "And I love you back, irrevocably," their gazes meet, her eyes rimmed red, cheeks ruddy from emotion.

[Matsu Ishioka]

"And yet you hesitate, which..." Ishioka sighs. "You will not trust me, even though you love me," he says quietly, disappointment lapping around him. He remains steady, though he can feel strong emotions encircling him and starting to close in.

[Usogawa Narumi]

Her dark eyes narrow ever so slightly at that, and she pouts, frustrated. "I hesitate... because of everything that comes with being with you. Not because I don't don't trust you. I have shown you otherwise. That hurts." she takes a deep stuttering breath.
"I hesitate, Ishioka-kun, because I have happiness elsewhere. And peace. And security." Her brow furrows, she swallows a lump of emotion in her throat, but keeps her face turned to his. "But I am drawn back to you; it's ripping me to pieces to try and be with you, and I want to. Trust me that I do. But the complications around you..." She places both hands on his chest, brushing fingerpads across fabric almost awkwardly, smoothing away invisible wrinkles, and needing the comfort of his closeness.