[Day 6, Mid-Afternoon] Shelter From the Storm (Expecting)

[Shiba Raizo]

"Just saying. Also. Remember what annoyed me about that play? With those two so caught up in their rivalry they never saw fit to consult the lady in question?"

[Asahina Soyokaze]

"What am I supposed to do then, sit them both down and have a talk about our feelings? That isn't how our lives work. Do I go talk to her about it and avoid Murato? Then I look like a coward. There is no to avoid having this spun so I look bad, that was their entire goal and you played into it. As long as they make me look bad he doesn't have to answer the question. Even if you agreed with them you could have said so in private." He sipped his tea.

[Shiba Raizo]

Raizo pinched the bridge of his nose.

"Asahina-san, you, not I, chose to broach the subject in a sake house. You, not I, ignored some cautionary advice before the situation escalated. You could very well have spoken to her about it in private before approaching him in public. That's not cowardice, that's prudence. Particularly since who is to know what you discuss unless you tell them?"

He exhaled.

"Now, as a friend, I owe you honesty. When I tried to redirect the situation, you ignored my efforts. And lest you forget, until any marriages change matters, I am the only one who witnessed that exchange whose duty to his Clan is involved in the slightest. Silence under such circumstances is not possible. So. I can understand your being less than thrilled with how things went, but at the same time? Don't try to put this on me. If you had seen fit to inform me of what you had in mind, I might have had options. As it was, going in blind, I was only there in case things got physical and I needed to step in."

[Asahina Soyokaze]

"There was no plan in going to speak to him, I didn't even know he was at the bar at first and sadly I was too far gone at that point to heed your advice because I feel not doing so has strained our relationship. However I cannot comprehend your take on this. Why on earth would I trouble her with this when I can just talk to to the one I find at fault? My grievance is with Murato not Bai-san. You have said more than once that Bai-san is like a sister unto you, do you want her to join the Lion clan; right now of all times? Forget about the Lion clan, lest you think my clan bias is at the heart of this, would you be happy with her going to The Wall when you know an army marches from the south? What about my argument is failing to reach you?"

[Shiba Raizo]

"The fact that every fight I have been in, every life I have taken, every person I have seen die has been in the peaceful provinces of the Phoenix, Soyokaze-san. Why do you think she found herself treating my men? Do you think we matched for days to reach the safety of the Water Dragon Temple? No. We had that fight so close at hand that it was the nearest place to get patched up. As to why you should have spoken to her? That's even easier. Because it's her life. She's quite strong enough to know a friend is worried about her and to hear why."

He sighed.

"I think no less of you, my friend. But I think you are operating under assumptions which are unsupported. She's a samurai. She's a braver, better samurai than I am, as it happens. She can, as I said last night, handle anything you can throw at her. If you care for her, respect her strength."

[Asahina Soyokaze]

It was Soyokaze's turn to pinch his nose. "I don't know why you keep repeating Murato's nonsense arguments. YES, yes she is a samurai and it entirely capable of making her own decision but that applies to Murato as well and he's the one I have a problem with. You keep talking like I am trying to take something away from her, like I'm trying to hurt her when I seem to be the only one not trying to do that. 6 Days, 6 days I have been here and already I can say that my friendship with her is the best thing that has ever happened to me why on earth would I want to hurt her? I've never had someone smile when they see me, come to me for support when they are upset and help me when I am hurting. All I want in the world is make her smile, for as long as I can. Then, kami willing she will go back to her temple which she loves and hopefully live a long and happy life."

The emotion was beginning to pour out of the young Crane and he loosened his hair so it fell around his face covering the shame that was starting to leak from his eyes.

"There is so much death and pain in this world, in this life, so few get a chance at being happy." *sniff* I am certainly not one of those, I have no hope of escaping my life but I will always carry that smile with me. I've just come from spending some time with her, I gave her a gift, and the smile on her face and her soft touch on my hand... I can't explain it, this feeling of absolute joy and utter pain at the same time...this hopeful agony is worse than every beating I have ever taken. I want it to end but I don't and it's driving me crazy. What is this hell I find myself in and why are you trying to make it worse by getting me to go confront her about this? So I can look like a child, a tattle tale, a craven fool? Well I am craven. Craven, Weak, Disappointment, Mistake, Liability, Idiot...FAILURE. I am not worthy of her friendship but for the past few days I have had it and in another 8 it will be gone and I will have to return home, with nothing but more failure to accompany me. Or perhaps I will finally find some real courage."

Why does this hurt so much

His hand was resting on his wakizashi though he didn't know it so great was his grief.

{Soyokaze is compromised]

[Shiba Raizo]

Oh fuck's sake.

Raizo's voice lashed out. His Nikutai voice. His quiet, intense, and sometimes terrifying Nikutai voice.

"Has it occurred to you that I repeat arguments because they're not nonsense? Has it occurred to you that they're my arguments as much as anyone else'? What the hell does Murato even have to do with this? That's the part you seem to be missing. You're worried that he'll spirit her away to the Lion Clan where she'll be... what, killed by the Crane when war comes? If you honestly care so damned much, pursue her. Marry out! Become a Kaito! If your father wants you out of the Crane, I'm certain the Deer know about it. And the Phoenix would welcome your talents. But you're not going to do her or yourself justice if you can't admit what it is you're feeling! Stop worrying that you're unworthy of it, and acknowledge what it is that's gutting you."

He gestured, to encompass the room- and by extension the whole Kyuden.

"'Worthy' hasn't got anything to do with any of this, no matter what the pillowbooks or plays would tell you. And thank the Fortunes, because I'd be in a world of shit if it did!"

[Asahina Soyokaze]

"Pursue her?!? How, with what? I'm neither worthy of her nor could I compete with the likes of Murato. He's devout, from a noble lineage, shares a love of music with her and has those damned eyes."

Don't forget the confidence.

"I make trinkets and blades. Shosuro Hikimasu just yesterday pointed out to me that I have no real interests or skills outside of that. Which is great for clan but offers nothing to a partner. At this point I'm expecting to leave here without a match at all." Soyokaze had walked into the tea house full of energy but now he was a mess, unable to cope with the new emotion burning through him. He was starting to hyperventilate. "It feels like someone has cursed me."

[Shiba Raizo]

Oh fuck's sake!

"With what? You ask me with what?"

Raizo reached over and thumped the Asahina on the chest, right over his heart.

"With this, Soyokaze-san. With this. It's not about what you can do. And again, thank the Fortunes, because I'd be in a hell of a state if that were the case! It's about who you are."

[Asahina Soyokaze]

[Soyokaze unmasks]

Soyokaze began to openly weep, an ugly ragged thing, and his whole body shuddered and convulsed as he tried impotently to stand and get out of there.

"I am nothing, I am a useless failure. I have felt pain, lots of pain but this.."

He staggered to his feet.

"If this is..."

Say it!

"...Love then why does it hurt so much? I thought Love was supposed to feel good but this hurts more than anything my father could dream up."